So its been awhile since I actually updated my bog.

Sorry it will be a long one...

In the last 6 months, a lot but not a lot has happened.

June I was able to go and visit my family for almost a month. It was nice, but it was also nice to come home. I had taken Tempe with me and I was glad that way we didn't have to ask her "grandpa bill" to watch her and have to pay. I got there and I saw Brooklyn jumping up and down and she saw me. (I know she was happy to see me, but I think she was more excited to see Tempe.) I got a hug from Zack and he even remembered me, so I was happy for that. We go to sonic and get lunch, since I hadn't eaten anything since about 7 or something in the morning. I got there around noon. The few hrs and day that I was there I was able to see how much Nick had changed and it was a good change. That Saturday I was able to witness my brother in law Nick get baptized. It was very emotional for everyone. I'm glad he made that step closer to getting something that he has always wanted with my sister and their children. It was also good to see his mom and dad too. I hadn't seen since Brooklyn was really little. We had been hoping that they would allow a special baptism for Brooklyn so that I could make it, but they had it the week after I had left. That Sunday I was also able to see him get the Priesthood too, I was glad that I was able to be here and witness it.

While I was down I wanted to do something different with my hair, because the lady that used to do it here doesn't ever have time or doesn't get back with me on when she can cut my hair. So I had my mom help me set up an appointment with a lady that she goes to. Sunday night Trevon wasn't feeling to good and it was so sad to see, I felt bad for the little guy. Monday morning my dad and sister take him to the ER, I take my mom's car to walmart and get Trevon and stuffed animal and a few cars. When I walked into the room I about cried just because he looked so sad, and having all those things hooked on him. He LOVES cars! It was so cute when he saw the cars, he didn't really care much about the stuffed animal, which is fine with me :D. Just glad I was able to get him something he really enjoyed. Tuesday I go and get my hair done and while I'm getting the highlights in I get a call from my favorite person in the world. Marsha Ecolls. We decide we need to get together and have lunch or something. I get done with my hair and I love it! I wasn't gonna do permanent hair color, but I got thinking that I didn't want to go home and have it gone. So I did, and I'm still glad I did. My hair isn't damaged at all. I love it! Well when she was working with it she asked me if I straightened my hair and I said yes, and she was surprised bc my hair wasn't damaged like most people's were that she has cut.

I go and see one of my favorite grandmas and we sit and talk for awhile. After that I go back to the hospital and go see Trevon and Ten. He seemed like he was doing a lot better then a few days ago. That night my mom and I watch Trevon that way Ten could get some alone time and get some stuff done. It was cute, Trevon didn't want my mom, he wanted me. It was nice to want to be wanted by my nephew. Ten comes and the nurses come to do his vitals and what not. I hated to move him, but they needed him awake. When they finally got him off of me and moved over to Ten my shirt was wet, I thought it was cute.

The next morning my throat started to hurt and so I knew I couldn't go and see trevon. I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do. Saturday comes and Marsha and I go and eat Chinese food. it was so good to see her!

I think it was Sunday when my dad, mom, Ten, Trevon and I started our drive to Texas to see Maverick graduate from basic training. When we got there we got situated and slept. The next day we went to the base and got Ten and I and Trevon into the room. I was glad I went that way I could help with Trevon if Ten needed me. When we finally got to see Maverick it was so emotional and cute to see Trevon realize who he was, he would't let go of him. If Maverick had to leave to do something Trevon would get mad and start crying. It was cute.

The week went by to fast, there was so much stuff to see and do and little time. I felt bad for Ten for having to leave Maverick again, but I knew that she would see him again and it wouldn't be as long as this one was. I was proud of her for being able to do what she went though.

The monday or tuesday I got back I had my flight. I wasn't as scared as I was for the flight to Arizona. I had a window seat so I was happy, I had two grown men sit next to me and they teased each other most of the way. It was funny. They did tease me a little and it was fun. When we landed and I saw J I hugged him and told him not to let me leave for so long. Then the two men stopped us and asked me if he was my taxi, and I said yes and we laughed. They told J that they had teased me a lot of the way and he goes "good, she needs some good teasing every now and then."

Well a few months later we were able to go down to Arizona for the Gila Valley Temple Dedication. We had been debating on whether to go down for an open house or for the Temple dedication. I got to make the choice and I told J that I'd rather go to the Dedication. He said ok. So we went. We were excited to be there, we were able to stay out in the trailer that my parents have, and we were glad we were able to keep it as cold as we like. We weren't gonna be able to see the Celebration live because I have no siblings that are in YW, so we were expecting to have to go to one of the churches. My dad was working EMT that day for the Celebration and so he pulled some strings and got us a car pass. We were at the front row where the field meets the dirt. When the President pulled up the spirit was so strong it was amazing at how strong it was, I saw people crying, it was amazing. We watched the celebration and loved it all. The kids did such a great job.

The following Sunday we were able to go and see the the Dedication. I felt blessed to be able to be able to have made it and have Justin there with me to experience it all. The following day we head back home.

July 4th I was hoping to be able to go to Arizona to see my dad's firework show, but we were asked to feed our "landlady's" cats. (I do " " because she really isn't a landlady, well to me she doesn't feel like it.) A few days before the 4th she calls Justin and tells him that plans changed and that they wouldn't be going and so we wouldn't be needing to feed their cats. J was ok with that, he didn't mind. Well we are over at his mom's house and his gma comes over and tells us that our landlady got someone else to do it, and J goes "really? she told us they wouldn't be going." well they did get someone else to do it, they didn't want to feel like we were obligated to feed their cats. We had a full house, we had Luchell, Tucker, Laurie and their 2 kids, Kris and Ang, their boys stayed at J's parents house with Moe and Hannah and their two kids. Saturday the 3rd we went to the resevoir and J went on the tube and it was so much fun! haha so embarressing story! So the first time we go, I'm holding on I hold on for quit awhile, then my arms give out and then I flip into the water. I then realize that the shorts i had ontop of my swimming suit bottoms came off!!! Brandon came around with the boat to pick me up and he goes "are those yours?" I was like haha ya... SO I try to swim and get them. I hand them to him and reassure him I do have shorts underneath. I use all my energy to get back onto the tub, because my arms are so sore from holding on. I didn't last very long this time, after that time I told him that I was done, so I tried over and over again to get back into the boat, it was quite funny to watch. About an 45-1 hr later I tell Lushelle to come oto the boat so we can ride the tube. She gets on, we go into the middle of the resevoir and get onto the tube. By then my arms aren't hurting as bad, but they still do. We are holding on and he goes slow and then stops and flips us and the tube over, it was funny. We get back onto the tube and go, I hold on for a good 2 min or so and couldn't hold onto it anymore, and so I said bye let go and plugged my nose and go into the water. I watch and he turns around, just then Lush flew off and he flipped the tube. He came and got me, then went and picked up Luch. We went and ate hamburgers and hot dogs. It was a fun day. J and I left early to go and make Tootie Fruitie ice cream. That night we go over to his parents house and eat the rootbeer/tootie fruitie ice cream and then do fireworks. We had brought Tempe, but we felt bad for her because when they went up they hurt her ears and so she kept whinning and so we put her up into the bathroom. It was a good 4th of july and glad we had stayed.

Just so if any of you are wondering, we still haven't gotten pregnant yet. We are still doign the paperwork for the adoption, we are waiting for the lady to send us our papers for the background check (almost 3 weeks now) and we are waiting for our certified birth certificates. We may go into another adoption agency but I dont' know yet. Some people have good luck through LDS and others don't. There is a family in our ward that their kids waited 8 yrs for the LDS and so they went through somewhere else within a year they got a kid, so who knows what we will do. All I know is we are gonna start saving money more and more.

What A Great Way to Start off the New Year!!

New Years Eve is always my favorite time of year now, now that I'm in the Tolman family my mother in law makes the best Monte Cristo's. Oh they are heavenly!! The end of the year I DON'T like at all, because that's the time when J is working till almost midnight.

That day we had taken Tempe to where we had gotten her so that she could spend time there and hang with her cousin and the other dogs. It was nice to know that she was in safe hands, while we were gone.

The next morning we drove to Cody and got on our plane and went to Arizona, it was a really nice surprise to see Jordan, Meghan and Stacey there. I was just expecting my mom and dad. The best thing about thing that was said to me made my day when Stacey hugged me and told me that I looked good. It is nice to have people notice that I'm losing the weight that my stupid Gal bladder made me gain. That night we went and ate at Olive Garden, it is our family tradition and it would be the last get together with everyone there for awhile. I felt truly blessed to have all my sisters and brothers there (aka sister in law, brother's in law). It was fun to be able to see them and talk to them again.
That night the boys took Jordan out to have his Bachelor Party. Kristen, Bethanie and I talked for an hour on the couch and then we decided to go to bed since we all were tired. We hadn't heard anything from the boys so we figured they were having a good time.
The next day was the BIG day for my baby brother. I'm so proud of him and I couldn't ask for a better person to be his wife. She is an amazing person and I'm blessed to have her as my new sister!!. The sealing went so perfect, it reminded me of Justin's and my sealing, I had looked around the room and the spirit was so strong and the feeling of love and peace surrounded me. I even got to see a old roommate of mine, who is also Meghan's sister!! =). I felt a lot gratitude towards Meghan's mom because she bought all the sisters earrings and necklaces and the brothers/brother in laws ties, because she didn't have to do it but she wanted everyone to match and it was just so perfect.
While they were putting away stuff I got up the nerve to talk to Bre (I know that sounds stupid "got up the nerve" but I hadn't seen her in years and I'm a very shy person.) Well we talked for about 10-20 minutes before Mav comes up and tells me that they wanna go because Trevon was getting tired, I get her number and we say our goodbyes. That night we buy Filaburtos (sp?) and it was soo good and it stopped my craving for the super nachos and fries.
It was hard to say goodbye to my family because I wanted to stay longer because I actually felt welcomed and I didn't feel like people were treating me different like the other times I had gone. But I also didn't wanna ruin the feeling, I wanted to leave on good terms and feeling like that. We also had to come back to get the puppy since he was doing us a favor and watching her for free.

Michael (aka Mav) has gone into the Air Force and was sworn in on the 5th. Its so good to be able to feel relief for my sister and her family. Kristen is so strong is letting Mav do this, this will help them in many ways. He will graduate from basic March 5th and I'm hoping we can go, even if we can't we will be there in spirit.

Justin and I have actually started the process to adoption, as many of you know we've not had much luck lately. I know it is in the Lords hands and He has a plan for us, I knew it but when my father gave me a blessing and actually said those words "You will become pregnant, in the Lords time." It gave me strength to keep believing and have faith in the Lord that I will. Lately I've been thinking alot about adoption and just keep thinking we need to start. I asked J the Sunday after Christmas and he said we could start it after we get back from our trip. He has called the agency and is waiting for a caseworker to call him back. I'm excited that we are actually starting it, its not a "I'll believe it when I see it" or its just not an idea, we are actually starting to do it.

Thatcher's Temple is almost done and the open house is in April we are going, but not sure when. This trip I will stay longer and I'll take little Tempe with me. I know she'll have so much fun and she will actually get to play outside and love it.

I'll post pictures of Christmas, the wedding, recieption and Tempe and Cali up as soon as I get them to the net disk. They are on J's computer right now.

Btw, Cali (our cat, that hated everyone but J and I) loves adults, she loves to come up and see who is at the door, and she is getting used to the idea of having a dog in the house. She doesn't like it at times because when we are not watching and Tempe gets lose she'll chase Cali right underneath the bed. Cali has only hissed at her a few times for doing that, but she'll run away she doesn't try to defend her ground. She is also getting used to the fact of having kids over sometimes.

This year has had a lot of good stuff happen already, I'm so excited to see what is in store for us later!!

Christmas 09

To me 09 came by way to fast.

For Christmas Justin and I decided that we wanted to get a puppy, so our christmas gift to each other was our puppy Temperance Snowball Tolman.



I had asked my niece what name she liked for the dog, she came up with a few. Crystal, Snowball, Everest. We liked the names, but J dated a girl in high school named Crystal and so he didn't wanna name our puppy that. So I came up with the name Temperance (like the tv series Bones) and used Brooky's name Snowball for the middle name. Because I would have felt bad for not using a name she picked out. Yes it is our dog, but I don't want her hurt that I didn't use one of the names she suggested because I did ask her. We call her Tempe for short.

The Wednesday before Christmas Justin's brother Kris and his wife Ang and their boys Brayton, Mondelle, Weston, and Champbell came and stayed at our house. It was nice having them and Tempe loved having some kids to play with. Its a good change in our home since Cali doesn't like kids, she is getting used to them but still doesn't like them. On Christmas Eve we had a family get together in Cody (45 min - 1 hr) drive from our home, on our way out of Burlington (10 min away from our home) we were just hitting 45 mph and this deer ran right infront of us and there was no time to stop so we ran right into it. We weren't happy at all, you have to understand there is not good cell signal at all through Burlington and so we tried calling 911 and his mom but nothing would go through, it even said we would have 2 bars but it would just drop. So we drove up the hill and went to one of the people that J knew up there and asked to borrow their phone. We finally got ahold of the police and they told us to make sure we come in before 10 days are up to file a report, we were on our way again. We have no left blinker but our car still ran. We finally get to his uncles house and we had a great dinner!!
We say our goodbyes and go home and go and get Tempe so we can go to his parents house to open our Christmas eve gifts. We get to his parents house and Tommy and Sumer walk in the door a little after us and play with Tempe before the kids came in and made her hyper again. She won't eat, drink or even go to the bathroom when there are kids around. She gets so hyper and so happy. We open our gifts and SURPRISE they are pj's!! Thats the gift I look forward to every year lol.

Christmas morning comes and we all head over to their parents house. Watching the kids open up their gifts was priceless! Justin and I got a camera and I love it!! I use it a lot lol.

I did miss not being able to spend it with my family, but I knew we would be seeing them in a few weeks anyways so I was excited about that.

Random Thoughts

Last weekend we had the opportunity to go and visit Justin's brother Kris and his wife Ang and their family. It was a great weekend and I got to do a lot of thinking while I was there. We went and saw Wicked, the play. It was really good, much better then I had expected. Made me want to go into acting more. I wish that we lived closer to Ang and them that way I could be in some of their plays, but I know the Lord wants us here in Otto. While being there I couldn't help but get the impression that while I'm going through this stepping stone in my life I'm needing to learn something, but what I need to learn I don't have a clue as to what it is. While we were at their church last Sunday their was a family sitting infront of us and I couldn't help notice how much that father loved his sons. Made me think of how much my father loves me and my Heavenly Father.
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and I'm grateful that He does, but sometimes I just wish I knew what that plan was. I know that everyone has their trials just like me, but when I listen or hear about their trials I realize that mine are nothing but a small ant hill, while theirs is a mountain. There has been many talks in our family about people getting divorces, it hurts me to see that people could just do that. It honestly makes me so grateful for Justin and everything that he is to me and his family. I know that I was meant to be in this family, I knew it way before Justin and I even met. It just felt right.
Well thats all for now.
Btw, we'll get our puppy soon!! :D

I don't really know how this all will end up, I may just babble on about nothing.

But right now I feel sad, alone, and I wanna give up. I am glad to have my friends become pregnant and I am happy for them. But when is it my turn? When will Heavenly Father let me have what I've wanted for more then my entire life? I know where these feelings are coming from and I know it isn't good to let them affect me, I'm trying with all my heart to have these feelings go away but they just keep coming back. Its just that it feels like Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be a mother, we've been waiting for almost 5 years and still nothing. I have tried and tried to not let it bother me I've done good, then today I learned that one of my friends is pregnant, I'm very happy for her I am, but it just iono.

The words "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it, and you aren't ready" keep popping into my head. How do I know when I will be ready or not? Honestly...? I know He is teaching me patience, but 5 years?? :( I hear over and over again "don't worry it will happen, just not your time." Honestly I want to hit them, they don't know what its like they were pregnant right away.

As I read a friends blog tonight (well this morning) I wanted to cry because after all that she has been through she has been so strong through out the whole thing and I wish I could be that strong.

I've been listening to a lot of church much to help me calm down and sleep a lil more better at night and it helps. Well thats all for now..

I have been thinking alot lately with everything that has been going on in my life. We had gone to a wedding this past weekend and it was such a good wedding, that I realized how blessed we are to have the gospel in our lifes. I am eternally grateful for being able to be sealed to my best friend and being able to know that it isn't until death that we are married for.

Lately I've found out some things on a family member of mine and my heart goes out to her and their family. They are going through some tough times, but her and her husband have been so strong and it has taught me that no matter what we go through and hard it is we are blessed in everything we have.

I love my family so much, its really hard only being able to see them once a year. I'm excited though that we will be making 3 trips (2 very short) trips and 1 (week or 1 1/2 week) to Arizona next year. I'm very blessed to have the family that I have and I love them so much. I wouldn't trade them in for anything.

Bethanie~

I love her, she's the best older sister any girl could ask for. Growing up she was so aware if I was having a tough day and she'd go and get me a soda and just told me that she loved me and that if I needed to talk that she was there. I loved her for that, it will be a memory that I will never forget. She's been a strength to me through out my whole life! I know she will continue to be a strength to me and I can go to her when I need anything. She also makes a great mother :D <3.>

Kristen~

I love her, growing up we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of stuff and I'll be honest, I wasn't the best older sister to live with, lol. There are times when I had hoped that we would have gotten closer growing up, but I realize we are close now and that is all that matters. She'd always do my hair because she'd have these good ideas and I miss that. We had alot of good times growing up and the best memories I have with her is riding our "grandpa's" horses with each other. She's such a wonderful mother. I admire her strength in trying to do what is right.

Stacey~

I love her, growing up she was always the person that would say "What would Jesus do?". She's been such a gentle soul and wonderful sister. There were times growing up that I wished I could be more like her and not trying to start fights and what not. The best memory I'll keep of her is just a few years ago, I told her that I had done something (don't remember what it was) and her responce was "why?" and we talked a few min more and after we talked I realized that it was stupid and that I should be myself and not wanna be like anyone else. She always taught me things that I'll never forget. She'll make a great mother and I'm so glad I could be her older sister.

I love my sisters more then anything and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I also love my brother.

Jordan~

My brother is the best brother anyone could ever ask for. Yes growing up we have had our differences and we had our fun. We are so much a like its amazing, we both have had to learn patience with people and different things. He has grown so much and I am amazed at how much he has changed his life. He has been such a wonderful brother, yes growing up we had our rough moments but I wouldn't trade our good times for anything. He's such a wonderful inspiration and brother. I love him!! He'll make a great dad.

I know that growing up we didn't get along as well as we should have, but I think that has made us have a stronger relationship now. It sucks not being able to live as close to them as I would like or to see them as much as I would like, but I am grateful for the time that I do get to spend with them when I do get to see them.

Since Jordan is getting married I'm so excited to say that I'm so happy for him and his choice. She is the perfect person for him.

Meghan~

She is an amazing person and I'm so glad that she will soon be another sister!! =) I knew from the first time I met her that she was so perfect for him and for the family. The kids went to her like she was already part of the family and it was so perfect!

God Be With You, Til We Meet Again!

For those who don't already know, Kameron Haban lost his battle with Lupus yesterday morning. He has touched the lives of so many with his huge smile and genuine kindness, and will be missed by so many! Jami has also touched many with her amazing courage and faith throughout their ordeal.

Whether you know them or not, please keep Jami and 2 1/2 year old son Kason in your prayers.This sweet family is in need of emotional, spiritual and physical support. Kameron spent more than the last month of his life in the ICU. We are all blessed with an opportunity to help.

Yesterday a bank account was opened for them. Anyone can go to any Bank of America and make a donation to the account under JamiLynn Haban for the benefit of Kameron Haban. You can also make an online donation at paypal.com by sending it to habanfundraiser@gmail.com.

Jami did an amazing job of updating everyone on her blog kamandjami.blogspot.com if you would like to read more about their experience.Please help us lend support to the Haban family during this time! Feel free to help spread the word of how to make a donation to those who you know will want to help.

(--originally posted by Lindsey Stokes. I couldn't have said it any better, so I didn't! Feel free to post on your own blogs. The more people that know the better!)